


Don't be surprised if I love you (for all that you are)

by not_a_total_basket_case



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Christmas, F/M, Fluff and Angst, MerryMemori
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 18:36:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17146964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_a_total_basket_case/pseuds/not_a_total_basket_case
Summary: Emori doens't want to find her soulmate, she wants to make that choice herself.





	Don't be surprised if I love you (for all that you are)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dylanobrienisbatman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dylanobrienisbatman/gifts).



> Merrymemori fic for [@dylanobrienisbatman](http://dylanobrienisbatman.tumblr.com/)!! You have no idea how hard it was to keep this from you!! Merry Christmas babe! Loooove you! <3

Emori has never really put much faith in the idea of soulmates. How does the universe get to decide whom she’s with? That should be a choice that’s up to her. Not the golden pattern on two peoples skin the first time they touch. She’s going to pick her own destiny.  Which is why she is so careful not to touch people upon meeting them. 

She doesn’t want to brush hands with a stranger and then be forced to go on a date with them just because the universe thinks they’re made for each other. She won’t. 

And so she wears gloves as often as she can, long sleeves, even in summer. It might not be the best way of dealing with the issue at hand, but it’s worked for her so far. 

It’s not like she never touches people. There are often occasions where it happens in the street or on trains or at busy restaurants because no one is as careful as she is. And once she gets to know someone, she relaxes a little and eventually they hug or brush legs while watching movies or something. But she’s not going to deny that she’s felt relief every time she finds she’s not someone's soulmate.

*

“Hurry up, Em,” Harper shouts from the living room of the apartment she shares with Harper and Monty. They’re soulmates and don’t share the same reservations as she does. It probably has something to do with the fact that they found each other when they were teenagers. And she’s happy for them, happy that their soulmate really is who they’re meant to be with. But she knows they got lucky. It doesn’t works out that well for everyone. She’s seen that first hand. 

“Do we even have to go?” Emori mutters, grabbing her gloves off the dresser (specially designed by Raven to fit, despite the fused fingers on one of her hands) and pulling them on. 

“We have to go,” Harper confirms, laughing softly. “We promised Bellamy and he needs the support.” 

Emori sighs, pulling her coat tighter around her and stepping into the lounge room. She wants to support Bellamy, she’s so proud of what he’s achieved at his job. But she wishes supporting him didn’t involve lame office Christmas parties with people who immediately judge her. 

They take the train to the party and she bumps shoulders with so many people that she pulls her coat tighter around her, despite the long sleeved and high neck dress she has on underneath. Sometimes she wishes she could just find her soulmate to tell them that it’s not what she wants. But she’s not ready to deal with that, so she keeps avoiding people.

The party isn’t much better, filled with business snobs that she’s terrified of touching. She’s introduced to people whose name’s she’ll never remember and ones she’ll try and forget. The food is fancier than she’s used to and it’s uncomfortably warm inside. It doesn’t take long before she’s hiding in a corner with Raven, rather than attempting to mingle. It’s just more their thing. 

“There you guys are,” Bellamy calls, joining them beside the refreshments table. “I wanted to introduce you to Murphy, he’s going to be my partner for next year.” 

The man they’re introduced to looks as though he’d rather be anywhere but at the party, which Emori relates to. But he also offers his hand, which reminds her that she’d taken her gloves off to wash her hands earlier. And there is no way she’s shaking hands without them, so she keeps them firmly by her side. He looks at her challengingly before rolling his eyes and moving onto Raven, who takes his hand. There’s no explosion of golden tendrils on either of their hands, not that Emori was really expecting it, but she still feels the same weird sense of relief she always does. 

“Nice to meet you both,” Murphy says, and it still feels like a challenge. One she’s tempted to rise to. But she doesn’t, she just smiles and let’s Bellamy lead the small talk for a couple of minutes before they’re called away.  

“She has a thing about germs,” Bellamy says quietly when he leads Murphy back to the party. She’s grateful for the lie her friends keep up because she is sick of having to explain to strangers that she doesn’t want to touch her in case they’re her soulmate. Murphy shrugs and then they’re out of sight before she can hear a response. 

“How do you do it?” Emori asks, tugging her gloves out of her pocket and pulling them back on. 

“I don’t know,” Raven shrugs, squeezing her shoulder. “I guess I just got used to it.” 

“How?” 

“I really don’t know,” she says, obviously thinking about her answer, “I still get nervous meeting new people but I guess I’ll just deal with it, if and when it happens.”

“That’s a much easier mentality to have,” Emori sighs.

“You’ll get there,” Raven promises. “And if you don’t, it’s not the end of the world. I’ll just keep making you the badass gloves.”

“What would I do without you?” She asks, leaning into her friend and smiling to herself. She’s built herself a great family.  

“Crash and burn,” Raven grins. “Definitely.” 

They get home from the Christmas party just before one and she’s a little tipsy and a little tired by the time she drops onto the couch in between Monty and Harper. She’s a lot surprised to find  _ Murph Murphy _ on Facebook and not quick enough to move her phone away from Monty, who accepts it for her.  _ Whatever,  _ she’ll deal with it in the morning. 

*

In the following week, Murphy likes one of her photos and she runs into him twice. Once when she drops a file off to Bellamy that he’d somehow left on their coffee table. Murphy is in the office with Bellamy, but it looks more like they’re talking about some movie than their work. Which is probably better for Bellamy’s end of year stress levels. 

The second time she’s picking up coffee on her way to work when she runs into him. He’s careful not to touch her, but he smiles a greeting when he steps into line beside her. She really does appreciate the gesture, it’s not often that people actually accept the fact that she doesn’t like to be touched. Especially without questioning her or telling her they use a lot of sanitizer,  _ ‘just so you know,’ _ first.

They order their coffees and are standing in an almost awkward silence while they wait for their drinks. She wants to say something, but has no idea what. She doesn’t know how to start a conversation with a virtual stranger. And the way he keeps glancing at her makes her wonder if he’s thinking the same. 

Murphy is stepping forward as the barista calls  _ ‘John _ ,’ and she stares after him confused, coming the the conclusion that he’s about to take someone else's drink.

“Wait,” she hisses, as he steps back from the counter. “That’s not yours.”

“Isn’t it?” He asks, perplexed. 

“Is your name John?” She accuses, glancing to make sure no one has seen him take the coffee that’s not his. 

“My first name is,” he says slowly, “I give my first name because they always manage to fuck up Murphy.”

“Oh,” Emori says, cheeks reddening. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine,” he smirks. “I’m used to accusations like that.”

She rolls her eyes, because she doesn’t know what else to say and then reaches for her own coffee. Her gloved fingers brush the hand of the guy holding her drink and she can’t help but wince. 

He waits for her and they step onto the cold street together and she’s touched, he didn’t have to hang around after she accused him of trying to steal someone else’s drink. 

“I’m headed this way, so…” he trails off, giving her a soft smile and an awkward wave. 

“I’ll see you around, John,” she smiles which turns into a full grin when he rolls his eyes. She hardly knows the guy, but he’s endearing and funny and she wouldn’t mind if Bellamy was to turn their partnership into something more like a friendship, so she could see him around more often.

*

Her wish is granted at their  _ annual-friends-who-have-nowhere-else-to-go-on-Christmas  _ Christmas lunch. Monty and Harper have gone away for the week, spending the first few days with Monty’s parents and then the days after with Harper’s mum. Clarke is going with Lexa to visit her mum and step dad. Bellamy was supposed to be visiting his sister, but she’s decided to disappear on an impromptu hiking trip, so he’s taken over hosting to make himself feel better. This just means that their usual lowkey affair has been turned into something out of a Hallmark movie. 

Bellamy’s gone overboard with the decorations, so his apartment looks as though it’s come directly from a Christmas catalogue but it’s warm and homely. And her friends are mostly already inside. Raven is talking to Wells and Gina, his soulmate. She had been Bellamy’s girlfriend when they met but she’d brushed shoulders with Wells at a party one night and tendrils of gold shot down both their arms. And to Emori’s complete surprise, Bellamy had been happy for them. Excited even. She still doesn’t understand. Doesn’t think she ever will. 

Luna and Maya are arranging the Secret Santa presents under the tree and she’s got a suspicion they’re probably trying to work out who got who. Jasper and Bellamy are in the kitchen, arguing over whether or not they should spike the eggnog. It sounds as though Jasper is winning. 

She joins Raven, hugging her friends and happily accepting the drink Raven is already handing her.

“Why do none of our friends have homes to go back to?” She asks, glancing fondly around the room. She loves that they almost all spend Christmas together. 

“Because we keep adopting strays,” Raven says, nodding towards the door which has just opened. She’s more than a little surprised to see John standing in the door, looking sheepish but holding a gift wrapped in brown paper. Which means Bellamy has definitely found a way to include him in the Secret Santa they’d organised weeks ago. 

“I like this stray,” Emori says, before clasping her hand over her mouth. That had come out so differently than she intended. 

“Em,” Raven smirks, “do you have something to tell me?”

“What no?” She says, trying not to sound overly defensive. “I just think he’s alright.”

“Right,” Raven mutters, drawing the word out and rolling her eyes. She already doesn’t believe her. 

It only takes a few minutes of teasing for Raven to move on, because Luna and Maya come to join them. And while Raven may be a pain, she’s a loyal friend and wouldn’t ever betray what she thinks is a secret. Even if it’s not. It was just awkward wording. 

She accepts a second drink from Maya and quickly realises Jasper definitely won the spiking the eggnog argument and settles on the couch, with Raven sitting in her lap. They’re waiting for Bellamy to finish in the kitchen, so they can start opening presents. She feels like a kid on Christmas, knowing full well that it’s because she never got to experience feeling like a kid on Christmas. She’s forever grateful for the family she’s found. 

“Finally,” Raven grins, when Bellamy joins them in the living room. 

“You’re all so impatient,” he mutters, dropping down in front of the tree and starting to hand out the presents to their recipients. 

Raven gets hers first and grins as she pulls a t-shirt out of the paper that reads,  _ I need space,  _ with the NASA symbol. Emori smirks at Luna, she’d helped her pick it last week. Wells gets a book that he’s been wanting to buy, Gina gets a about ten pairs of socks and gives Maya a knowing smile, so it must be some kind of joke between them. Jasper gets his gift, but she stops paying attention because Bellamy passes her hers and she gets too excited.

She tears the brown paper off, screws into a ball and throws it at Jasper, just because, before looking down at the gift sitting in her lap. It’s a little drawstring bag, made of black velvet. She opens it, tipping the contents into her palm. She can’t help the smile on her face when she sees the beaded bracelet, different coloured beads depicting the planets. All her friends know she’s been interested in space her whole life - it’s what had kick started her friendship with Raven, but the bracelet is perfectly her style and if she hadn’t helped Raven buy Bellamy’s gift, she’d assume it came from her. 

“This is perfect,” Emori says, holding it up for the group to see before slipping it onto her wrist. She looks at each of her friends, trying to determine who gave it to her, but none of them give anything away. She glances at Raven, expecting her to tell her, but she just shrugs her shoulders and turns to Maya, who is now opening the gift Emori had gotten her. 

After everyone has opened their presents and (with partial success) tried to figure out who’s theirs came from, Bellamy calls them to the table for lunch. They eat and chat and drink and eventually move back to the couches and Jasper turns up the music and plays Christmas carols loud enough that she’s sure the neighbours will complain.

It’s a good day, the kind that leaves her sleepy but not wanting to go home yet, because she’s having too much fun. It’s late when John drops down beside her on the couch. And she tenses for a moment, because the shirt she is wearing leaves a lot of her arms exposed. But he sits a safe distance away and she relaxes. He must have taken what Bellamy had said seriously, which she’s grateful for. Most people don’t. 

“It looks like Santa threw up in here,” John tells her, offering her the second glass he’s holding. It’s a sweet gesture and the drink she’d been drinking all night, so he’s been paying attention. It makes her smile. 

“Have you had a good night though?” She asks him. 

“Yeah,” he says, “way better than my original plans of working today.”

“It should be illegal to work on Christmas,” she chastises, a little tipsy. 

“I had nothing else to do,” he shrugs. “It’s cool that you guys do this though.”

“It is,” she hums in agreement, “it’s nice having somewhere to go on Christmas. And it’s nice that we can adopt lonely strays.” She leans in to bump his shoulder with hers but freezes at the last second, not able to bring herself to do it. She likes John but she doesn’t know him. She’s not willing to risk their skin touching yet. 

“Yeah, the strays really appreciate it,” he grins and she can’t help grinning back. He ends up telling her that he doesn’t go home for Christmas because his dad is dead and his mum holds it against him and she tells him that she never really had parents and she lost her brother when they were teenagers. He asks about her hand, not in a rude way and when she tells him she was born with it, he tells her it’s badass. They keep talking and swapping stories until Raven dances over and pulls her up and leans into her. 

“I’m sorry to interrupt your flirting,” Raven whispers, loud enough that John hears and Emori flushes, grateful that he looks away and acts like he’s not listening. “But I want you to sleep at mine tonight and it’s time to go.”

Emori doesn’t argue, she doesn’t particularly want to go home to an empty apartment anymore than Raven does. But she doesn’t really want to stop talking to John. 

“Hey,” John calls, before she gets dragged any further. Raven lets go of her hand, wiggles her eyebrows and disappears into the kitchen. “I was just ugh, I was just wondering if you were going to that New Years party that Blake’s talking about?”

“I am,” Emori nods, feeling a little giddy at the idea that he’s interested enough to find out if she’s going to be there. 

“I’ll see you there?” He asks and she’s definitely imagining the hope she hears in his voice. She smiles as she nods again.

Once she and Raven are in the hallway of Bellamy’s apartment building, Raven starts asking about John. She’s a little too disappointed when Emori tells her that she had just been talking to him and a little too over excited when she mentions he asked if they would be at the New Years party. She always gets over invested when she’s been drinking. 

“Okay, all jokes aside,” Raven says, as they settle into her bed for the night. Her roommate is away for Christmas and Emori is pretty sure she’s going to stay here until Harper and Monty get home. “Do you like him?”

“I  _ like _ him,” Emori says, “but I don’t know him. He’s just a good guy.” 

“Whatever, you’re totally into him.”

Emori rolls her eyes, even though the lights are off and Raven can’t see her. But the more she thinks about, the more right she seems. It’s not like she wants to immediately go and touch him to find out if they’re soulmates or anything, but she’s interested in him. He’s funny and kind of charming in a very non-conventional way. And without any explanation from her, he’d accepted that she doesn’t want to be touched. 

He’s definitely someone she wants to keep getting to know. 

*

The bar they’re going to for New Years Eve is at the one Bellamy and his friend Miller used to work at. It’s where she’d met Raven and where they’d spent so many of their college nights. At this point, they only come back for New Years and the nostalgia, but she always loves it. 

“You’re here,” Harper calls excitedly, throwing herself at Emori and pulling her into a hug. They haven’t seen each other since before Christmas. 

“I am,” Emori confirms, letting go on Harper and pulling Monty into a hug. 

She dances and laughs with her friends, verses Bellamy in a game of pool, steals handfuls of Monty’s fries and is so distracted that she doesn’t notice John approach her. 

“Hey,” he calls above the music, stepping beside her. He’s dressed in black jeans and a maroon button down that looks way too good on him. 

“Hey,” she grins, pulling her gloves higher on her arms and then offering him her hands to dance. He hesitates for half a second and she immediately regrets it, but then he takes her hands and they’re dancing. Neither of them really know what they’re doing, so it’s a lot of twirling and hip movements and laughter. And John is still careful not to touch her. She suspects by now that Bellamy probably told him the whole truth, but she can’t bring herself to be upset. She likes that he respects it. Likes that it doesn’t seem to bother him.

“I’m going to need to step in,” Raven says, pulling Emori away from John. She doesn’t miss the look of disappointment on his face and she turns to glare at Raven. 

“What the fuck?”

“Shut up,” Raven hisses. “Bellamy just met his soulmate.”

“He - what?” Emori asks, brows furrowing together but this time obediently stepping after Raven. 

“He was just playing pool with this girl and they were talking trash and I honestly thought it was going to end in a fight,” Raven explains, pulling Emori into the bathroom where it is a little quieter. “And they shook hands at the end and they’re fucking soulmates.” 

“Whoa,” Emori mutters, a little lost for words. Bellamy had always been excited at the idea of meeting his soulmate but just assumed it wasn’t going to happen yet. And now he’s met her, in a bar on New Years . A girl he was trash talking and who probably beat him in pool. “Did you speak to her?” 

“Not really,” Raven says, “she was really into the game. And then when they realised, they went off to talk.” 

“So we won’t see Bellamy again for the night?” 

“He told me he’d be back for midnight,” Raven says, “but I wouldn’t bet on it.”

“I can’t believe it happened here,” Emori agrees, deciding the rest of the conversation can be had back in the bar. “Like of all places, here in our bar.”

“What a good story. Met on New Years,” Raven agrees. “Just another good memory to add to this place.” 

“As long as it turns out well,” she mutters.

“Such a cynic, Em,” Raven grins, ruffling her hair dragging her back to the dancefloor. She feels the disappointment a little too harshly when she realised John isn’t where she left him. Though she’s not surprised, because it had just been the two of them before Raven interrupted.

“He’s over there,” Raven says, nodding towards the bar. Emori wants to deny that she was looking for him, but he glances up at that moment and waves. “Go on.”

Emori ignores the smug look on Raven’s face as she crosses the bar and joins John. She ignores the eyes she can feel in the back of her head as she slides onto the stool next to him. She ignores that fact that she’s certain Raven is filling Harper and Monty in on Christmas and Emori’s several casual mentions of John since then. 

“Everything okay?” Johns asks. 

“Bellamy met his soulmate,” Emori says, raising her voice above the noise in the bar. “Raven was telling me.”

“No shit?” John asks, raising his eyebrows. “Who?”

“Some girl he was playing pool with.” She pauses then, wondering if it were her place to tell John about what had happened.  _ The mark is on his hand, _ Emori rationalises,  _ everyone is going to ask him about it anyway.  _ If she’s the one that tells John, as least they won’t have to have the conversation at work later. It’s probably better this way. 

“Do you want to go outside, so I can hear you?” John asks. She nods and follows him into the courtyard. It’s cold out, but she’s got long sleeves on and their are heaters lining the walls. And they can actually hear each other and have a proper conversation.

They talk about Bellamy’s soulmate, how he’s always been intrigued in his, but never actively looked. How John and him had spoken about them, John telling him that he doesn’t care. Emori is surprised when he adds that it’s not the truth though, he wants to find his. He wants there to be someone out there who cares about him and loves him unconditionally because he’s never really had that. 

“I’ve never told anyone that,” he says after a moments silence and Emori is touched that he trusted her enough.

“I’m terrified of finding mine,” she says. It’s fair that she tells him considering, what he’s just told her. “I don’t want the universe to decide who I end up spending the rest of my life with.”

“Fuck the universe,” John tells her firmly. “You decide what you want to happen.”

“That’s why I wear the gloves,” she continues, even though she’s pretty sure he already knows. “If I never touch anyone, I won’t find them. And then I can decide for myself.” 

“And if you did find them?”

“They’re my soulmate I guess,” she shrugs. “I just hope they’ll understand.” 

“They’re meant for you,” he says. “They will.”

*

Bellamy’s soulmate is named Echo and she’s tall and terrifying, with kind eyes and a big heart. Emori likes her immediately. She fits in almost seamlessly with the group, only rubbing Clarke the wrong way. But even she is beginning to warm up to her. 

Her and Bellamy are taking things slowly, going on dates and getting to know each other. He brings her to some events and not to others. They spend a lot of their free time together and they seem to really like each other. And by March, Echo is having a girls night with Raven, Harper and Emori. She’s become part of the group, not just Bellamy’s soulmate. 

“What was it like?” Raven asks, as she clicks through the Netflix options. “When you met him?”

“I didn't even notice at first,” Echo laughs, looking down at the gold winding down her right hand. Objectively, it is beautiful. “I was too busy bragging about beating him. But then he was staring at our hands with like, the biggest eyes I’ve ever seen. And then I felt it. I don’t know how to explain because it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt.” 

“I know what you mean,” Harper says, touching the mark on her shoulder. Monty had tapped it to get past her in the halls one day, shocked when it exploded with gold. “I don’t know how to describe it either.” 

“And that was it?” Emori asks. 

“I was always anxious about finding mine,” Echo says softly. “So I don’t blame you for the gloves, Em. I can’t believe how well it turned out for me.”

“Yeah, you got us,” Raven grins, selecting a movie and settling back onto the couch. 

“Yes, that’s definitely what I meant,” Echo laughs. 

Emori stops pay attention to the movie, too distracted by the message she gets from John.  _ Next time I agree to help someone move, remind me to do it for something more than pizza.  _ Bellamy had asked him to help Miller move into his new apartment and John and she’s surprised it’s taken him this long to complain. 

_I’ll_ _be sure to do that,_ she replies, smiling down at her phone. And then, they’re texting back and forth until Raven reaches for her phone. 

“Who are you texting so much? It’s girls night.” She asks. Emori pulls her phone out of Raven’s reach, only to have it grabbed by Echo. 

“Traitor,” she mutters, conceding defeat and letting them see her messages.

“It’s Murphy,” Raven exclaims excitedly, practically climbing over Emori to look at her phone. “Tell me there is something going on there?”

“We’re just friends,” Emori shrugs. “He’s complaining about helping Miller move.” 

“You’ve been texting for almost an hour,” Harper grins, reading over Echo’s shoulder. “It’s definitely more than him complaining.” 

“You guys are the worst,” she complains, covering her eyes with her hands and shrinking back into the couch.

*

By the time April comes to an end, Emori can admit that John is one of her best friends. And part of her family. He fits in with the group as well as Echo does, finding his place (often as the sarcastic arsehole) and settling in. She’s also big enough to admit that she’s developing a crush on  him, which is not ideal. She’s pretty sure he buys too much into soulmates to be willing to be with her despite it all. Even though Raven says he’s flirting and Harper insists that he’s into her as well. Even Echo points out one evening that he’s always drawn to her when she walks into a room. 

_ But they’re just friends.  _

And that’s fine, because they’ve grown so close in such a short time. She’s not willing to risk their friendship by telling him about feelings he  _ might _ return. So she keeps them to herself, focussing on their friendship and remaining careful not to touch him. Except now, as each day passes, it’s not because she’s scared of what he might be. It’s because she’s scared he won’t be it. And she would be okay with that. But soulmates don’t mean the same to her as they do to him. 

So she stamps down her feelings.

“You’re late,” Emori says lightly when, John finally steps out of his office. 

“Bellamy decided we needed to finish the entire weeks worth of work today,” John grumbles, but his face definitely lit up when he saw her. 

“Poor baby,” she teases, nudging his shoulder with her covered one. Despite the warm April evening, she’s got cardigan on. “Having to do so much work.”

“Shut up,” he rolls his eyes and leads the way down the street to what has become their favourite Thai restaurant. It’s become a routine of theirs. After her Thursday class, she meets him at the building he and Bellamy work at and they get takeout and watch Netflix on his couch. It’s something her friends won’t shut up about and she can only hope they don’t give him the same treatment. 

“Whatever,” Emori grins, walking beside him. She ignores the temptation to take his hand, keeping hers firmly in her pockets. She doesn’t need to know that the guy she’s falling for is probably not her soulmate and therefore not willing to seriously be in a relationship with her. 

They order their food and split the bill and are sitting on his couch, arguing over what to watch on Netflix by 6 o’clock. It’s her favourite day and the week, which is just another thing she’s not going to address. 

It’s comfortable, sitting and arguing and eating and flirting with him. And it’s the most comfortable she’s ever felt with anyone who she’s not touched. She just wishes she was brave enough to tell him. 

Instead she settles in beside him, leaning against him when he pulls a blanket over his exposed skin. It’s a lot. And it’s not fair on him. But he’s never once complained. 

*

“What do you want to watch?” Emori calls, from the couch. It’s their regular Thursday hangout and John is in the kitchen of her apartment insisting on cooking. Because  _ we get too much take out. _

“Something good,” he calls back. 

“Forever helpful.” She flicks through Netflix, settling on rewatching  _ Brooklyn 99 _ because she knows it won’t take long for them to get distracted with conversation. Because they always do. 

She’s halfway through the first episode when he finally joins her on the couch, handing her a plate of the pasta he’d been making. It’s chicken and avocado, which she would have never thought would make such a good combination. But he’s such a good cook. She shouldn’t have doubted him. 

They don’t even make it to the end of the episode, before the TV is muted and they’re chatting idly. John is telling her a story about one of the clients he’d dealt with and it doesn’t take long before she’s laughing.

“Can I ask you something?” John asks softly, after she’s regained her voice. 

“Sure?” She freezes, not knowing what to expect. 

“Why don’t you believe in soulmates?”

If she’s honest with herself, she’s been waiting for this question since she told him that she didn’t buy into them. And it’s complicated, but she trusts him enough to explain it. 

“My parents were soulmates,” she says slowly, thinking about how she’s going to answer the question. Her parents aren’t a happy story. “But they led each other down such toxic pathways, that they self destructed when my brother and I were babies. They might have been  _ meant  _ for each other, but they weren’t  _ good  _ for each other. If their situations were different, maybe it would have worked.”

“I’m sorry,” John says quietly. “What happened?” 

“They died,” she says simply. “Otan and I were in foster care our whole lives. We had a place for a few years when we were teenagers and he met his soulmate. She was great, she made him happy.”

“There’s a but coming, isn’t there?” John asks and she nods. 

“But she got him killed too. She was involved in some shit and it followed her home and got them both killed. I was alone from when I was 16.” 

“Shit,” John says lowly. She nods again. Her story isn’t a happy one. 

“I met Bellamy and Raven when I was 18, it’s been good since then,” she smiles softly. “And I met some nerd who cooks for me a few months ago, he’s pretty cool.”

“Watch who you’re calling a nerd,” John grins. 

“I know exactly who I’m calling a nerd.”

“My parents were soulmates too,” John says.  _ Quid pro quo _ . “But my dad was killed when he was picking up antibiotics for me when I was a kid. Wrong place, wrong time. My mother held it against me until I left home. She never got over losing him.” 

“She shouldn’t have held it against you,” Emori says, anger rising at the thought of a young John being mistreated just because his dad wanted to help him. He didn’t deserve that.”

“She shouldn’t have,” he agrees. “But before that, they loved each other so much. I just want to find the person who loves me as much as they did.” 

_ She doesn’t notice that he doesn’t mention his soulmate.  _

*

Raven meets her soulmate in September. He’s sweet and funny and smart, someone who can challenge Raven in all the best ways. She hadn’t known him very long when they’d worked it out. He was the new guy at the garage she basically ran, while she is finishing her masters and Emori had heard her speak about him a few times in the days leading up to it. He’d been working underneath a car and brushed against Raven’s leg as he slid out from underneath. 

In true Raven fashion, she’d decided they would talk about it at the end of their shifts and walked off. Later, she tells Emori that she needed time to wrap her head around the fact that she’d met him. They’d gone to dinner and Raven fell hard and fast, which scared her, almost scared her into backing away. But she persisted and now she’s invited him to the beach, to meet her friends.

It’s the first day they all have off in months, which has led to Harper and Luna’s extravagant plans for a picnic at the beach. It had sounded so simple when they suggested it, but now as Emori helps Monty shoves  _ yet another _ cooler into the trunk of his car and then squeezes into the backseat between bags of stuff she doesn’t think will even make it out of the car.

“Packed enough?” She teases Harper when she climbs into the front seat.

“I was actually thinking about going back inside and getting more,” Harper says, without looking up from her phone where she is probably typing another message to Luna. “I think we’ll probably need the couch?” 

The drive to the beach is cramped, worse once they pick up Echo and by the time they get there, Emori almost falls out ot the car. 

She’s introduced to Zeke, who she likes immediately. He laughs at one of her jokes and looks at Raven with total adoration, which is basically all Emori could ask of her best friends soulmate. He offers to help Monty carry everything, which also gets him points and gives her time to gossip with Raven, Harper and Echo. 

“He seems great,” Emori says quietly, the second they’re out of earshot. 

“I really like him,” Raven confesses, as though it’s something they couldn’t already tell.

“He’s your soulmate,” Harper says softly, “of course you do.” 

“I think I’d like him anyway,” Raven says hurriedly, “I don’t like him just because he’s my soulmate.”

Emori can’t help but to think of John in that moment. Because she likes him. She likes him more than she really wanted to, she thinks she likes him the way you’re supposed to like a soulmate. Likes him despite his flaws, despite his attitude, despite everything. She wants to touch him because maybe they will be. Because this should be how you feel about your soulmate. And while she may not believe in them, if he was hers, she’d know that that’s not why she likes him.

She’s fallen in love anyway. 

She listens to Raven gush Zeke for a moment longer and then the others arrive. They go down to the sand to help set up, laying out the insane amount of food Harper and Luna had organised. When everything is laid out and appropriate instagram photos have been captured, they can finally eat. They tell stories and gossip and trade information about their year because they haven’t been together as a whole group since New Years. 

The day passes in a semi haze of laughter and saltwater and sunshine. It’s getting too cold, but they swim anyway, splashing and wrestling each other into the water. Emori screams when Wells grabs her ankles and pulls her under, but laughs as he does the same thing to Luna. They slowly move back onto the sand, to soak up the last of the sun and continue their conversations. It’s getting late by the time Jasper pulls out a flask. 

“I’m not even surprised,” Emori says quietly, watching as he tops drinks up with whatever he’s got. It’s not enough to get them drunk (which is probably for the best, Luna might literally kill him). But it’s so like Jasper to bring it.

“Neither am I,” John says, rolling his eyes.

“This was a good idea,” Emori says after a moment. She means the whole day, but she also likes the time they’re spending with just the two of them. She always does. 

“Totally over the top though,” John says and she knows it’s just his way of agreeing with her. She knows him so well now. 

They’re sitting away from the group, watching the sunset over the ocean and wrapped in their towels, protecting themselves from the chill in the air. And from touching each other. She thinks about it, thinks about leaning across and brushing her fingers against his wrist, just so she’d know. She thinks about gently bumping her shoulder against his, where the towel has slipped.

And she thinks about just telling him the truth. That she likes - probably loves - him. Asking him if he’s willing to take the chance, despite the fact they might not be soulmates. Asking him if he’s willing to stop looking, because it doesn’t have to be his soulmate that loves him unconditionally. It could be her. It is her.

She’s so deep in thought, arguing with herself over whether or not she should talk to him that she doesn’t notice John getting up. She doesn’t move away in time and while she’s staring at the ocean in front of of them, she feels him brush against the leg she’s sitting on.

She holds her breath, waiting for the feeling Harper, Echo and now Raven have all described to her. And for the first time in her life she feels a bitter disappointment when it doesn’t come. John isn’t her soulmate. He’s not the person meant for her. More importantly,  _ she’s not the person meant for him. _

She forces herself to look up at him and feels her heart shatter once more when he’s looking down at her with a smile. It hasn’t occurred to them that they’re not soulmates. Or maybe it just doesn’t bother him.

“You coming or what?” He asks, nodding towards where their friends are packing the cars.

“Sure,” she says, standing up and walking away before he can register the pain on her face.

“Are you okay?” He asks again, hurrying after her.

“I’m fine, John,” she forces a smile on her face as she climbs into the back of Monty’s car. “I’ll see you later, okay?” 

“Okay?” His brow furrows and he’s looking at her with concern she doesn’t know how to deal with because just moments ago, she would have thought you wouldn’t look at a friend that way. 

She watches him glance back as he walks towards Bellamy’s car, confusion still evident on his face. She pulls her door shut and draws her knees to her chest, waiting for Echo and Harper to get in the car. She knows she should get out and help, but she doesn’t know how to deal with what she’s just found out. 

“Ready?” Monty asks, after what feels like hours of John looking intently at her through the window, trying to catch her eye. 

The others talk about the day, oblivious to Emori’s distress. She’s okay with that though, she kind of just wants to get home so she can wrap her head around what’s happened. Around her feelings. Because it’s not like her to feel like this. She needs time to process.

They pull into the carpark of Echo’s apartment complex without Emori really paying attention and she’s about to mutter a goodbye when Echo speaks.

“Em, I need your help with something. Come up?” 

She sighs, because she doesn’t really want to, but she doesn’t have an excuse. And Echo is her friend, so she nods and climbs out of the car, telling Harper and Monty that she’ll see them later. 

“What’s up with you?” Echo asks, as soon as they’re in the building and trudging up the three flights of stairs to her apartment. 

“Nothing?” Emori responds, feigning confusion.

Echo asks again and it takes until they she’s turning the key in the door for Emori to decide to tell her. She’s one of her best friends and she probably has good advice on the subject anyway. 

“John isn’t my soulmate.”

“Oh Em,” Echo says, looking at her with more sympathy than the situation necessarily warrants. “We all thought - what happened?” 

“He touched my leg at the beach, just before we left,” she says quietly, dropping onto the couch. “And I was almost waiting for it to happen? Because I really like him and he really believes in soulmates so I wanted to be that. I wanted to be that for him” Her voice cracks, but she’s not going to cry over this. She’s not going to let  _ soulmates  _ make her cry. 

“Did he say anything?”

“No,” Emori shakes her head. “He didn’t even acknowledge that it’d happened. After months of being so careful, he didn’t say a word.” 

“I’m really sorry,” Echo says, dropping down beside her and opening her arms. Emori slides up to her friend - sister - and accepts the hug. “For what it’s worth, I think he really likes you too and I think you should talk to him about it. You’re right, the universe doesn’t get to pick who you end up with. That’s on you, girl.” 

“You think he likes me?” 

“We  _ all  _ think he likes you.” 

While Echo’s words don’t really solve the problem, they do make her think. She’s never once let the universe decide what she does. Why should she start now? That’s not who she is.

*

After deciding not to let the fact that John isn’t her soulmate stop her, things don’t really change. She sends him a message that night, apologising for being weird on the beach and he replies telling her it’s fine and that he hopes she’s feeling better. She smiles at her phone for a moment before telling him goodnight. She really does like him. And she’s not going to let the fact they’re not soulmates stop that. 

In the following weeks, her friendship with John doesn’t change. He’s still careful not to touch her, which she still thinks is weird, and he doesn’t mention the fact that they’re not soulmates, so neither does she. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, they don’t have to. Especially because they’re still hanging out and she’s pretty sure that he’s flirting with her.  

“Maybe he doesn’t care that you’re not soulmates,” Harper says, one night when Monty is at Jasper’s and it’s just the two of them. 

“He’s always said he wants to find his soulmate,” Emori mutters. “Why would that just change?” 

“You tell me?” Harper responds, her eyebrow raised challenging. Emori knows that she wants her to admit that he’d change his mind because of her. They’ve been dancing around whatever they are for nearly a year. She loves him and she thinks he loves her back. 

“Say he is into me now and we go for it and date and whatever,” she says. “What happens when he finds his soulmate later?” Emori doesn’t know anyone who has ever chosen to stay in a previous relationship after finding their soulmate. She’s seen hearts broken when people break up because of it. She doesn’t want to have hers broken too. 

“I think you’ll regret it if you don’t talk to him,” Harper says softly. “Even on the off chance he doesn’t want to try, at least you’ll know.” 

It’s easy for Harper to say. Her soulmate was the first person she’d ever loved  _ and  _ the person who was perfect for her. And while Emori still values her opinion and loves that she can talk this through with her friend, she doesn’t understand. Harper has never been in this position. None of her friends have. Sure, they casually dated before finding their soulmates, but Emori doesn’t want casual with John. If they start something, she wants it to be forever. 

And she’s not sure he can be that for her. 

*

John still messages her on Saturday nights and invites her over to watch movies and they still hang out on Thursdays. And he asks her for advice about the rude client he’s dealing with. And he tags her in things that make her laugh. And he asks her to help him pick a present for his office Secret Santa. And she just doesn’t know anymore. 

It’s two weeks until Christmas and they’re walking through the mall, picking out gifts and making plans for dinner. 

“I got you that last year,” John tells her suddenly, reaching over and carefully touching the bracelet on her wrist, keeping his fingers away from the skin exposed between the pair of gloves she’s wearing and the sleeve of her shirt. It’s the space bracelet that she’s hardly taken off since getting it. She’d never figured out who’d given it to her. 

“You did?” She asks, looking up from where his hand is now pulling away. 

“Bellamy got you, but he added me to the Secret Santa at the end and told me to get yours. He said you were into space,” John shrugs. “And I’d met you once and I didn’t know if you’d like it.” 

“I love it,” she says, twisting it on her wrist. She doesn’t need to tell him that she loves it even more now that she knows where it came from. “I wear it all the time.” 

“I know,” he smiles, leading the way into another shop. “I need to get my Secret Santa something as good this year. I’ve got a reputation now.” 

“Who do you have?” Emori asks, knowing exactly what he’s going to say before he says it. “I can help you.”

“It’s ruin sanctity of Secret Santa.” 

“As if you care about the sanctity of Secret Santa,” she laughs, leaning in and bumping him as they walk, smiling when he bumps her shoulder back. She wants this, wants to be able to walk through the mall with him and laugh and joke and not worry about who their soulmates are. She wants to be with him. 

She needs to talk to him.  

*

Raven is hosting the  _ annual-friends-who-have-nowhere-else-to-go-on-Christmas  _ Christmas lunch, with Zeke’s help, this year and it’s already more casual than Bellamy’s the year before. She’s (Zeke’s) cooked and it’s already prepared when they arrive. The apartment is decorated, but just with what Raven already had, so it doesn’t look like ‘Santa threw up’. Emori drops her present under the tree and then joins Raven and the others in the kitchen. 

“Merry Christmas, babe,” Raven says, hugging her.

“Merry Christmas,” she repeats, moving over to hug Echo. 

Next is John and she’s hit with the realisation that she’s never hugged him before. He’s always been too careful around her. He looks at her questioningly and she smiles as she steps forward, wrapping her arms around his neck. He keeps his face far enough away from her that they don’t touch and she’s still wearing her coat and gloves. She still melts into him a little though, revelling in the feeling of his arms around her waist. 

She let’s go first and it’s only because she can feel Echo and Raven smirking and the curious looks from the others. She doesn’t need to try and explain that she’s in love with someone who’s not her soulmate today. 

“Merry Christmas,” he whispers softly, looking at her. She smiles again and it’s a moment just for them. A moment she never wants to leave. But then Jasper basically tackles her into a hug and the moment dissolves into laughter as she tries to stop them hitting the floor.

Raven insists on presents first and once Luna arrives, ushers them all out of the kitchen and instructs them to sit around the tree. She doesn’t pay attention to the other gifts getting passed around, too intent on waiting for John to get his. It’s from her and she’d spent so long picking it out. 

Raven throws him the present and he tears open the package, pulling out a dark jacket, with red spiked shoulders. She’d found it at a Thrift Shop and bought it immediately. It’s not his present, it’s just how she hid them. It takes him a moment, but he finally notices the two pieces of paper, sticking out the pocket of his jacket. Tickets it to the Old Film Festival they’d been talking about weeks ago, but it had sold out before they made up their mind. Emori had found two for sale online and had bought them even before she found out John was her Secret Santa. She’d gone way over their budget, but she didn’t mind. Half of it was for her anyway. 

“This is perfect,” John says, looking up at her. There’s no way they could be from anyone else. “How did you manage this?”

“A magician never reveals their secrets,” she grins, tapping her nose. 

“I’m taking you,” he tells her, rolling his eyes. “Obviously.” 

“Obviously,” she agrees, reaching out to take the present Raven is holding out for her. She grins when she tears off the paper, because it’s obviously from John. It’s a kitchen knife set and he’d been complaining about hers since the first night he cooked dinner at her house. He’s also smirking at her.

“Thanks,” she laughs, “I expect so many more home cooked meals from you.”

“I’m going to regret getting you those,” he mutters, but the smile doesn’t leave his face. For a second, Emori wonders if Bellamy had somehow managed to rig the Secret Santa so she and John got each other. But it’s not like it’s a huge group, it’s could just be a coincidence. 

The rest of the afternoon passes smoothly, with only the usual amount of shenanigans and teasing from her friends. Like she is every time they get together, she’s struck with gratitude for her friends - her family. She loves them all so much.

Until Bellamy corners her, towards the end of the day and asks her about John. It's the last thing she suspected and it really shouldn't have been. Bellamy and John work together, they see each other almost daily. She knows they've spoken about her, Bellamy had told him about her aversion to soulmates in the first place. And she's sure they've continued that conversation since. Especially considering Bellamy would be talking about them with Echo. Honestly, her friends are such gossips.

“He wants his soulmate and I'm not that,” she says, a little forcefully. Which is a kind of unfair, but she’s sick of saying it.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure, he touched me that day at the beach.” 

“Are you  _ sure _ ?” Bellamy presses.

“Do you know something I don’t?” She almost snaps, looking at him and trying to work out if he knows something or is just being difficult. She loves Bellamy but she's doesn't feel like trying to figure out what he's talking about. 

"Just, think about it," Bellamy sighs, looking as though he has something else to say. She waits for a moment but he doesn't give her any hint on what she's supposed to think about, nor does he add to it. 

“Right,” she nods, “Have you had too much eggnog?” 

“I didn’t actually let you Jasper spike it this year,” he grins, turning to join the others who are playing some card game Wells got at the dining table.

"Bellamy's being weird," Emori mutters, dropping on the couch beside John. It reminds her a little of the Christmas the year before, before she was in love with him. Sitting on the couch together, talking about the others. Getting to know each other. Becoming friends.

"When isn't Bellamy weird?" John asks. 

Emori laughs, glancing back at him. He's moved away from the table and is standing with Raven and Echo, almost definitely talking about her and John. 

"They're talking about us, aren't they?" Emori whispers. 

"Definitely." 

She thinks about the fact that he instantly agreed they were talking about them, meaning he thinks they have a reason. She thinks about the words Bellamy had said to her, ' _ just think about it _ .' Thinks about the moment in the kitchen where neither of them wanted to pull away. And for the first time, she actually thinks that maybe John loves her too, despite not being soulmates. 

She almost asks him about it, needing to know, but they're in a room full of their friends who will almost definitely not leave them alone long enough to have that conversation. They're far too meddlesome for that. And it's getting late. She knows he's going to head home soon and she'll stay with Raven. It'll probably be good, talking to her friend about it first. 

She's right, not even half an hour later, their friends are filing about of the apartment and it's just her and Raven, sprawled on the couch, leaning against each other. 

"I'm going to go for it," Emori says, a little sleepily. 

"You should," Raven insists. "You'll feel better if you do." 

"What if he doesn't want me?" 

"You won't know unless you try," Raven shrugs and Emori gets the feeling that she knows something too. But they fall asleep before she can take the conversation further.

*

Emori doesn't see John again until New Years. She spends the six days waiting in nervous anticipation because she's going to tell him how she feels. She's not sure how she's going to do it but she's going to. He deserves to know and at this stage and she's fairly hopeful that he feels the same way. 

The bar is crowded when they arrive like it always is but they find their friends leaning against the bar. Luna offers to buy her a drink, but she shakes her head. She's too nervous, she doesn't need alcohol in her system as well. 

She spends a lot of the night with John. He takes her hand as they move through the crowds and while she's still wearing her gloves, their fingers intertwined sends goosebumps down her arms. She wants this. They dance together and play bar games and heckle their friends. They even sit back down in the courtyard, where they sat last year when they spoke about soulmates. But it never feels like the right time to tell him.

Echo, Raven and Harper whisper encouragement throughout the night. They remind her of all the reasons that they think he loves her back. They remind her that she’ll never know unless she gives it a go. 

And then all too soon the countdown begins. They’ve moved outside, so they can watch the fireworks and have a little more space. 

_ 10, 9...  _

She's standing next to him, thinking of the last year and how important he's become to her. All the memories they've shared. How close they’ve become. How much they’ve learnt from each other. How they’ve grown together. 

_ 8, 7...  _

He's one of her favourite people in the world, they're best friends even if she wasn't in love with him. He means the world to her. He’s part of her family. 

_ 6, 5... _

And he's looking down at her, with soft eyes and a soft smile and it’s not how you look at someone who is your friend. Because it’s not fair to look at them like that, because it makes them fall even more in love. 

_ 4, 3… _

She’s going to tell him. 

_ 2, 1, happy new year! _

She brings her gloved hands to his face and pulls him towards her. The best way to tell him how she feels is to show him. She presses her lips against his and he’s kissing her back instantly, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling close.  

And suddenly she feels warm all over, like sparks are shooting through her body. It’s like nothing she’s ever felt before and she doesn’t know how to describe it. 

“Em,” John whispers when he pulls away. She wants to chase his lips but she should probably make sure they’re on the same page first. 

She opens her eyes and gasps. The gold that she’s become so familiar with on her friends skin, has spread from his lips and across his cheeks, in swirling patterns. The marks that means they’re soulmates. 

She brings her hand to her own face, it doesn’t feel any different but the way he’s looking at her is enough confirmation. The pattern is on her face as well.

“But you touched me,” she says slowly. “That day at the beach.” 

“I never touched you,” he shakes his head. “It would have been my towel or something.” And she realises that her friends had already made the connection. That they knew he didn’t touch her. They probably didn’t want to get hopes up which is why they were being cryptic. The conversation with Bellamy is suddenly making more sense.

“We’re soulmates,” she says, a smile growing on her face.

“We’re soulmates,” he repeats. “I know you don’t believe in them, but I love you. I’d want this even if we weren't. You have to know that.” 

“John,” she whispers, moving her hand to trace the mark on his skin. “I love you too.”

She’s going to tell him that she’s loved him for months. That she was upset when she thought they weren’t soulmates. That she was hoping he’d be willing to be with her anyway. She’s going to tell him everything. But she’s going to tell him once they’re alone.

Now, she’s going to kiss him again. And keep kissing him. And ignore the cheers of her friends. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are the light in my life!  
> My tumblr is here! [@raven-reyes-of-sunshine](http://raven-reyes-of-sunshine.tumblr.com/)


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